Beware the Identity of the Perpetually Wronged

In leadership, personal development, and even in our daily relationships, few dynamics are as draining — or as quietly dangerous — as the one created by those who wear victimhood as an identity.

There is a difference between someone who has been wronged and someone who becomes the wrong they've experienced. The former seeks understanding, resolution, maybe even justice. The latter seeks confirmation, sympathy without challenge, and often, an audience.

Here’s the hard truth: some people aren't looking for solutions — they’re recruiting. Recruiting for their cause. Recruiting for their bitterness. Recruiting for a narrative that keeps them comfortable, unaccountable, and in control of the story.

They’ll frame their past wounds as badges of honor and use them as shields to deflect responsibility. They will constantly revisit their suffering not to heal, but to justify why they cannot move forward. And if you’re not careful, you’ll be drawn into the orbit of their grievance — expected to validate it, amplify it, and carry it as if it were your own.

This is where you must create distance.

Empathy is essential, but enabling is destructive. If someone consistently centers their identity around being wronged, and shows no desire for growth, perspective, or resolution, you are not helping them by joining their chorus. You’re just feeding the inertia of victimhood.

As a leader, friend, or colleague, your energy is limited. You are called to build — not to be endlessly consumed by the wreckage of someone else's refusal to rebuild.

Healthy people own their pain, learn from it, and move forward — even if it’s slow and difficult. Unhealthy people brand their pain into a flag and wave it as a declaration of entitlement.

One serves as a lesson. The other becomes a trap.

So, the next time someone pulls you into a tale of being wronged, ask yourself: Are they seeking resolution… or recruits? The answer will tell you whether to lean in — or walk away.